


Blindness

by Creed Cascade (creedcascade)



Series: Love of Your Life Verse [3]
Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Angst, Episode Related, Established Relationship, M/M, Valentine's Day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-19
Updated: 2012-02-19
Packaged: 2017-10-31 10:16:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,555
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/342896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/creedcascade/pseuds/Creed%20Cascade
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Danny had so much to give and if Rachel wasn’t willing to take it, then Steve would. (I Helu Pu/The Reckoning - episode 2.16).</p>
            </blockquote>





	Blindness

Hope is a fickle thing. It can wrap its tendrils around you, pulling you out of the depths of despair, but those same tendrils that hold you tight and give comfort can strangle you.

Behind the tough exterior, Steve was an optimist. You had to be doing what he did. You had to believe in yourself, your team, and in a black-and-white-good-and-evil world to face death mission after mission. Duty and training only went so far. You had to believe it was worth doing. You had to believe in something... in someone. These days, that person for Steve was Danny.

After his dad sent Steve to the mainland as a teenager, Steve thought if he impressed him, that his dad would let him come home. If he studied hard enough to make good grades... if he won enough games... if he dated the right girl. It was always a game of ifs. Anything to make his old man proud. No matter how Steve excelled, the call never came. But, Steve didn’t give up hope. He thought that if he couldn’t go back to Hawaii, at least he could go live with his sister. That certainly didn’t happen. Steve wasn’t good enough, so he strived for the impossible. To be the best.

He learned to build a family of choice. The SEALs were his family and then, Five-0. His family. Hand-picked. Not only a team, but friends. He loved them all for different reasons.

Chin was the brother he never had. Strong, steadfast, and loyal - almost to a fault. Chin provided a calming influence on the team with his calmness and insight. Kono shared Chin’s family traits but she was her own person. A spitfire, fearless, and someone Steve enjoyed showing the ropes. A protégé. She was a damn good cop and would only get better.

That left Danny.

Danny was... _Danny_.

There were almost no words to describe what Danny was to Steve.

Aggravating and standoffish from their first meeting. The best goddamn cop Steve knew. The only cop Steve would want working on his dad’s case. Jersey attitude with the swagger to match. The ties Steve wanted to grab, wrap his fist around, and pull Danny down into either a punch or kiss. Sometimes both. The island was changing Danny. Steve missed the ugly, goddamn ties.

With Danny in his life, Steve found himself more hopeful than ever before. Hoping that Danny would fill the empty void in his life. That Danny would smile at him... that he could make Danny smile. He got all of that and more. They fell together – two desperate men, perfect and terrible for each other at the same time.

On paper, it was a bad – very bad idea. Danny was his subordinate. A man – Steve was supposed to date women, even though all he wanted to do was... well, it never mattered what Steve wanted. It was what he was supposed to do. Danny came with an ex-wife and nearly enough baggage to tip Hawaii, volcano and all, over into the ocean.

No one else understood him – his life and choices… until Danny.

Danny got it. Got _him_.

Some people said Steve was suicidal to take on the impossible missions and cases. He wasn’t suicidal. It wasn’t that he didn’t care. He cared too much. He cared about the people who could and would get hurt if someone, if he didn’t step in and do something. Steve remembered the face of every person who died or was injured on his watch.

After a hard case Steve stared at his reflection in the mirror when he woke up – morning, afternoon, or middle of the night. Their schedules were all over the place. He could sometimes see the haunted look in the mirror. The same look he saw on victims’ faces. They’d seen too much. He’d seen too damn much. Those times he wondered what in the hell was he still doing alive. So close to shattering, but Steve never let himself go there.

Keep it together. Keep the hero mask in place. People needed him. Danny needed him. Steve needed to be strong. Stay in control.

That’s where the routine helped when he wasn’t working a case. Get up. Run. A glass of water. Navy shower. Eat breakfast – oatmeal, boiled egg, an apple, and a glass of milk. Check in with the team. Check in with Danny.

When Danny didn’t answer his calls, Steve knew he was either busy with Rachel or Grace. He had to be patient when it came to Danny. Patient until he was done with Grace, sometimes joining in with them. Building another version of what he thought of as family. More often than not, it was just a matter of waiting. He might spend nearly all of his time with Danny, but that didn’t mean that Danny was present in the moment. He might be with Steve, but he wasn’t _with_ Steve.

If it counted, if Steve needed his partner, then Danny was there. The best partner anyone could want. But, in the mundane tasks, Danny would sometimes be worrying about his family - Grace, Rachel, his brother, his sisters, and his parents. The weight of the world was on Danny’s shoulder. Steve knew Danny felt guilty for leaving his family back in Jersey. He felt guilty for his brother’s fall from grace. Danny blamed himself for every wrong done to Rachel and Grace.

Danny was a caretaker. It was one of the things that drew Steve to him. Danny was a guilty pleasure. He was the kind of man who cut through Steve’s bullshit and tough exterior. Danny took care of him. Danny saw that despite Steve’s protests, all Steve ever wanted was some to be there. Sure, he was capable of taking care of himself, of being alone... but, that’s not saying he wanted it. So when Danny said he needed him, that was enough. The optimist in Steve clung to that and cherished what he had.

Patience, Steve kept telling himself. Danny would come around.

Actions speak louder than words. That’s a motto Steve lived by. Stay by Danny’s side. Show him that Steve could be the person he needed. A true partner in everything.

He just had to wait, and maybe this time he could get what... _who_ he dreamed about. Maybe this time he’d be worth it.  


* * *

  


The morning after.

Usually that was an awkward time, but not _this_ time. Steve was determined to do right, be the right person for Danny.

The morning after Rachel’s son was born Danny came home with Steve and told him he was needed. Not love. Not yet. But soon, Steve was sure. Danny was sleeping in his bed. That’s all they’d done. Hold each other and sleep.

They hadn’t done anything sexual after Grace was taken. Danny was recovering and pretending it didn’t happen. Not talking about it, so Steve let him cope however Danny needed. Steve could pretend if that’s what Danny needed. Pick up the friendly banter and teasing. But now there was no denying their connection. Danny was in his bed and in his arms. This was one of the reasons Steve was thankful for loving Danny. It was the first time he was truly intimate with someone. Not sex, but safety and caring.

Steve smiled to himself as he watched Danny starting to wake up. Danny’s hair was wild and he was in desperate need of a shave. Steve rubbed his cheek along Danny’s stubbled jaw, chuckling when Danny grumbled.

He wrapped Danny in a warm embrace and whispered, “Go back to sleep, Danno.”

“M’awake.”

Steve grinned hearing Danny’s irritated tone and mumbled words. The man was not a morning person. He could function in the morning. He had to, being a cop and father, but that didn’t mean Danny liked to be up so early.

“We could go for a run.”

Steve ran a hand along Danny’s back and stopped to settle on his hip. Danny was solidly built and Steve loved it. People sometimes underestimated Danny, but they shouldn’t. He was capable and strong. Danny could have easily have been a SEAL. They went for runs together and while Steve had a natural runner’s body, long and lean, Danny could keep up.

“Nah.”

Steve stopped and kissed along his jaw line, taking a deep breath. “We could...”

He could do this. He could ask for what he wanted. Danny had seen the real him and not ended it. This man had so much to give and if Rachel wasn’t willing to take it, then Steve was selfish enough to welcome Danny’s intensity.

His hand skated over Danny’s skin, rubbing gentle patterns. He was building the nerve to ask for what he wanted. His favourite time of day to make love was in the morning. Danny was still exposed, waking up first thing. He showed his emotions - his affection for Steve more openly.

He pushed Danny back onto the mattress and moved quickly until he straddled his waist. Danny’s hands settle exactly where he wanted them, onto Steve’s hips. Steve was wearing black boxer briefs, tight in all the right places.

“I want to ride you,” Steve whispered the confession.

He loved this. The feeling - power and submission, all at the same time. He loved being able to give this to Danny because he knew Danny craved it, too. Danny’s hand caressed his hip and Steve shivered, not out of lust, but because something was wrong. Steve could tell when Danny didn’t look him in the eye.

“Not now, babe.”

This wasn’t how it was supposed to go.

“Whatever you want, then.” He laid a hand on Danny’s chest, caressing until his palm lay over his heart, fingers splayed. Steve could feel the steady heartbeat. “Anything.”

Now he had Danny’s attention. Danny was looking at him and Steve risked a small smile, shifting back enough to rub against Danny in a way that made him groan.

“Anything,” Steve repeated.

Danny cocked his head to the side. “You mean that, don’t you?”

This was his secret, one of so many. If Danny could tell him he needed Steve, then Steve could risk the same. He needed Danny. It didn’t matter how.

“Yeah.”

Danny closed his eyes and raised his head, smacking it back down on the pillow. “What if I told you I didn’t want this?”

“I said anything. Hands and knees, then? I know you like--”

“No.”

Steve froze. Danny’s tone was sharp and his eyes were open now. Staring at him. Ice blue.

“No, not the sex.” Danny’s hand gestured between them. “This. _Us_.”

Panic lurched up and Steve felt sick. He’d pushed it too far, too fast. He had to fix this. Shaking his head, he tried desperately to think of how to fix this.

“We don’t have to do anything,” Steve offered, letting the words spill out. He couldn’t let Danny say it. Feeling like a fool, he scrambled off of Danny and noticed Danny didn’t try to stop him. “I can just... don’t worry about it, okay? You need time. I shouldn’t have... not with all the shit you’ve been through. I’m sorry, Danno.”

Danny scrubbed at his face, staring up at the ceiling. “Don’t call me Danno. Not here. Not now. I know about the voicemail, okay?”

No. No. No. No. This wasn’t happening.

“I was going to tell you.”

“You invaded my privacy, and I know why you did it. I’m thankful for all you did for Gracie, for me. Anything for Grace, but that doesn’t make it any easier thinking about the team pitying me... getting into my business. You’ve always been getting into my business.”

“No.” Steve shook his head.

“This isn’t the first time. Way back, you got the governor to get involved in my custody?”

“I can’t see you hurt,” Steve said. “I’d do almost anything for you.”

Danny sat up and shifted until his feet were on the floor. “I know that and I can’t handle that right now. It’s too much.”

Steve froze, wanting to stop Danny from leaving but not daring to move. Whatever he did would be wrong, would push Danny away when all Steve wanted was to keep him close.

Steve glanced down at his hands, flexing his fingers. “Take some time, then. Whatever you need. Maybe in a few weeks we could...”

“It’s Valentine’s Day in a few weeks.”

Steve breathed a sigh of relief.

Patience.

Danny just needed some time and he would come around. A few weeks to get his head on straight and deal with everything. Steve could wait. Valentine’s Day. Cheesy and commercial, but Steve was hopeful.

“No big deal.” Steve tried so hard to keep his tone easy and friendly. “We could have some beer and pizza. Maybe some football.”

The governor’s fundraiser was coming up and Steve knew for a fact one of the items in the silent auction were a pair of football tickets. Steve already had plans to bid on them for Danny. It wasn’t Danny’s home team, but it was something. Danny could take Grace to a few games and the rest, when time allowed, they could go to together.

Danny was standing up now, slipping wrinkled dress slacks over his pale blue boxers. He needed space and Steve would give him that and more. Anything.

Danny’s back was turned to him when he said, “Call Catherine.”

“What?”

“Call Catherine for Valentine’s Day. You said she had some leave coming up.”

Danny couldn’t mean...

No. No. No. No. This wasn’t happening. Steve just had to make him understand. Sure, he kept in touch with her, but it wasn’t like that.

“She’s just a friend,” Steve said. “I told you that. It’s over.”

“I’m sorry.”

A blush was creeping up Danny’s neck, turning his pale skin a heated tinge. Embarrassment and regret, maybe? Most likely anger and pity. Danny picked up his shirt from the floor and stalked over to the doorway.

He was still facing away from Steve when he said, “You need someone... deserve someone, but all I can be right now is be your partner and friend. I can barely handle myself. Maybe she can take this... take _you_ right now, because I can’t.”

Danny left Steve’s bedroom, barefoot and shirtless. He left Steve sitting on the edge of the bed staring blankly out the window.

He’d fucked it up. Pushed Danny away with his neediness. The sad truth was Danny was right. He needed someone. Shame and regret washed over him. He’d risked showing Danny his true self and like he’d always thought would happen, no one would want the real him. He should’ve known better.

Partners and friends.

It would have to be enough and he couldn’t blame Danny.

Time to push it back down. Lock it up and carry on. Conceal the hurt and embarrassment. He’d been selfish to push Danny to give him what he wanted. Steve wanted a lover, but Danny needed a partner and friend. He could pretend if that’s what Danny needed.

He was so damn numb. Danny needed him, but didn’t want him.

Steve picked up his cell phone and scrolled down the address book until he found the number he wanted. His hand shook as he pressed the button.

“Hey, Cath...”

END.


End file.
